Years ago I was home alone for an evening and two ugly girls knocked on my door pleading for me to let them use my toilet. After a few minutes of considering that I could lose my virginity and have the most awful threesome ever I let them in. After 15 minutes they were both finished and left, and after getting over the shock of possibly explaining to my parents why I was entertaining two ugly girls I went to the toilet and saw that they had stole all of my toilet roll.
Do you think that the closer Scotland comes to making it’s decision the less they begin to understand what us British people say and the more we tippity bip boppy do gollywow benedict cumberbatch tiffledodge mungetuff watercress potato croquettes
I was meant to be going rollerskating with Laura and her sister today but then this morning it was cancelled so instead of still hanging out with me Laura decided to not say it was cancelled and made new plans to see her sister instead. I’m totally not mad or anything but I did give my shift away so I could be free today and now I’m just bashing in my balls because obviously it’s me who’s in the wrong here and ugh, ugh.
Had some superb banter with some guy while walking the dogs today. Both Millie and Suzie are border collies and usually they’re like happy boundy pups so as a collective we’re rather approachable because they round out my touch edge so the guy was like “are you rounding up sheep?” (banter) and laughed and then I laughed and was like “haha (the laugh), we were out searching for some!” (banter) and it was just a seamless transaction of banter that left both of us satisfied.
I came into work to see Laura and get my payslip (I have the monies to get an xbox one next week eeee) and goodness me. The staff was primarily ladies-based and my lord, I received so much love. I got told I looked good, my lame attempt at a beard looked good, got some hugs and then some girl was recounting the time when I had uber long hair which sucked and then saying that she’s glad I got rid of it because I look so much better now and just
I involuntarily ejaculated like, a billion times. Then I got sweaty and ran away. But still. Blimey.
This girl from work got married today and ON THE SAME DAY the newlyweds started updating their Facebook information. What the hell guys?! You should be tearing that wedding dress apart right now, not letting everybody know you “had a nice day”.
Laura’s invited me to come along to World Zombie Day in October with her and her sister and BF and her sister is well good at make up so we’re gonna look like immense zombies and get to shuffle around like OG zombies and it’s gonna be awesome
Tonight I witnessed the stoner m8 out of our group of m8s pass out from too much weed and it was the most surreal moment of my life. The way he went from being vertical to huddled up on the grass (hehueh) was really quite beautiful. There you go Dylan, be free, become the grass, you are a grassy being now. Goodnight sweet grass.
I think I was propositioned some sex today. This girl at work who’s talked about using strap-ons and dildos and dicks in her mouth and swallowing and all kinds of stuff told me out of the blue that she “needs a fuckbud” (fuckbud?) after saying that I’m “one of the innocent types who’s actually really kinky” and then after I tried suppressing my anxiety and suggesting various LADS at work she said “nah. I want someone who’s like…innocent.”
Oh god. Fortunately I finished work and ran away but my god. Even if Laura wasn’t around I would still say no. She would literally break me in half even if she had sex a couple minutes before, let alone on a dry streak of 5 months.
I walked BOTH DOGS for the first time and it was like a dream. We turned a corner and Suzie likes to bark at everything while Millie just stays chill so she started barking at this family hanging outside their house which then set their little kid off barking like her and also set off their dog. So with all this canine parade going on the little kid steps on a rake and it hits him in the face and he started crying. I felt so terrible and apologised but I couldn’t stop laughing at him, sorry kid.
Oh my word I had an encounter with a big nasty spider in my room earlier. I was just reading listening to Vampire Weekend when I saw it scurry across the floor towards me, causing me to head immediately into little bitch mode and scream loudly. It did this twice, so it was definitely the alpha male in the bedroom, so I had to take revenge.
So I ran to Little Sister’s room and grabbed Meg (the cat) and then asked for permission to have Meg which was allowed. Thank god. Alpha male status here we come. Anyway so I knew the spider was hanging out somewhere so decided to surprise the little fucker by THROWING MEG into the middle of the room and also because I was scared of going back in there. And
For like ten minutes until I saw the spider’s little awfulness rush across the floor again and my god, Meg clocked onto it like a beast and STRUCK but missed. Ensue more waiting. For half an hour. I like to think I adopted the tortoise mentality of waiting things out and getting the reward, but really I was really, really scared of the spider fucking me.
Meg was patient as dicks too, until she decided to move in. She slipped into the bit by the bin and the glittery bottle of Desperados! and made some movements, making the spider MAKE A RUN FOR IT across the floor and Meg…walked after it. Fucks sake Meg. I was sweating by this point, so hyped and scared. The spider went under my desk, and Meg followed. She made more noises and the spider came out and Meg fucking clawed it’s dick off, we were finally equal. Me and the spider both had no dick at this point.
I thought it was dead. Meg was just watching it’s evil body lie still. But then. The spider.
I gained a lot of respect for it. The little fucker scared the bejeezus out of me and survived the work of a pretty horrible feline, and it was fucking walking towards me. Then I hit it with a shoe and the whole thing was over. I’ve only just calmed down from the adrenaline rush it gave me. Who knew being a little bitch relying on a household pet could be so exciting?
Villains of Circumstance (unofficial, fan-transcribed lyrics)
I miss you now more than yesterday I hope somewhere you feel the same Holding hands and a fleeting glance We’re villains all of circumstance
I got a hole in my pocket where I lose my mind The ocean waves like an endless goodbye I sing only for you Till the beat of my footsteps arrive
So close your eyes and dream me home Forever mine I’ll be forever yours Always, evermore, and on and on Always, evermore, and on and on Always evermore Till the beat of my footsteps arrive
Only us No one in the world Only us Only us No one in the world
No magic bullet, no cure for pain You want what’s done, you better do it again Hole in my pocket where I lose my mind It’s easy to see and hard to find It’s so hard to explain and easy to feel I need you now Nothing is real Save me from the villains of circumstance Before I make a mistake
And close your eyes And dream me home Forever mine I’ll be forever yours Always, evermore, and on and on Always, evermore, and on and on Always, evermore, and on and on Always evermore
Laura had a pretty big lovebite on her neck the other day from our sexual activities and I only found out about it when her drunk sister called me up and said “I know about Laura’s neck you filthy animal! But I think you’re a nice young man so I will let it slide, and I don’t want to know what goes on with you two” then I had to do my impression of the Underdog advert and everything was resolved.
Reading Fest was phenomenal! I got to see QOTSA/Arctic Monkeys/Disclosure/Metronomy/Royal Blood and loads more acts that gave me boners with their sonic seductions. It was a great weekend and I only ended up losing a hoodie in a moshpit during Disclosure, and about 2 stone when I finally had a toilet that wasn’t a hole in the ground in my sight.
READING’S TOMORROW AHHHHH. I am ridiculously excited, and I am going to fangirl insanely when I see QOTSA and Arctic Monkeys walk onstage, and most likely not poo for the entire time. My IBS is going to love me.