Oh my word I had an encounter with a big nasty spider in my room earlier. I was just reading listening to Vampire Weekend when I saw it scurry across the floor towards me, causing me to head immediately into little bitch mode and scream loudly. It did this twice, so it was definitely the alpha male in the bedroom, so I had to take revenge.
So I ran to Little Sister’s room and grabbed Meg (the cat) and then asked for permission to have Meg which was allowed. Thank god. Alpha male status here we come. Anyway so I knew the spider was hanging out somewhere so decided to surprise the little fucker by THROWING MEG into the middle of the room and also because I was scared of going back in there. And
For like ten minutes until I saw the spider’s little awfulness rush across the floor again and my god, Meg clocked onto it like a beast and STRUCK but missed. Ensue more waiting. For half an hour. I like to think I adopted the tortoise mentality of waiting things out and getting the reward, but really I was really, really scared of the spider fucking me.
Meg was patient as dicks too, until she decided to move in. She slipped into the bit by the bin and the glittery bottle of Desperados! and made some movements, making the spider MAKE A RUN FOR IT across the floor and Meg…walked after it. Fucks sake Meg. I was sweating by this point, so hyped and scared. The spider went under my desk, and Meg followed. She made more noises and the spider came out and Meg fucking clawed it’s dick off, we were finally equal. Me and the spider both had no dick at this point.
I thought it was dead. Meg was just watching it’s evil body lie still. But then. The spider.
I gained a lot of respect for it. The little fucker scared the bejeezus out of me and survived the work of a pretty horrible feline, and it was fucking walking towards me. Then I hit it with a shoe and the whole thing was over. I’ve only just calmed down from the adrenaline rush it gave me. Who knew being a little bitch relying on a household pet could be so exciting?
Ohhhhhhhhh boy I’ve learned One For The Road on guitar and I think it’s one of the sexiest songs ever so you have know idea how much I’ve been plucking the strings with my boner
Laura had a pretty big lovebite on her neck the other day from our sexual activities and I only found out about it when her drunk sister called me up and said “I know about Laura’s neck you filthy animal! But I think you’re a nice young man so I will let it slide, and I don’t want to know what goes on with you two” then I had to do my impression of the Underdog advert and everything was resolved.
Goddamn, how did I manage to go a year without having sex? These days my balls are so happy that the recent expelling of spaff inside them has given me a spring in my step. It’s awesome.
Reading Fest was phenomenal! I got to see QOTSA/Arctic Monkeys/Disclosure/Metronomy/Royal Blood and loads more acts that gave me boners with their sonic seductions. It was a great weekend and I only ended up losing a hoodie in a moshpit during Disclosure, and about 2 stone when I finally had a toilet that wasn’t a hole in the ground in my sight.
READING’S TOMORROW AHHHHH. I am ridiculously excited, and I am going to fangirl insanely when I see QOTSA and Arctic Monkeys walk onstage, and most likely not poo for the entire time. My IBS is going to love me.